Useless College Skills -- Episode 1 -- The Rubik's Cube

So... time for some snark.
I have now discovered that the eighth wonder of the world and the 2nd most annoying invention ever created are actually the same thing!

I'm sure you're wondering what it is. Wonder no further, because I'm going to tell you.

It's the Rubik's cube.

I mean, it has its uses. Besides keeping me awake in classes I might have otherwise slept through, all around me I'm discovering the hoards of BYU co-eds that are OBSESSED with this thing; indicated by the same reaction in ANY given public place:

"OH! You have a Rubik's cube? Can I see it? I wanna show you how to do it." (TRANSLATION: "I wanna show you how I do it.")

Which is a boldface lie. They just want to play with yours because they are currently separated from their own. And as a new initiate into the fraternal bonds of the Rubik's geekdom, I feel obligated to... well, oblige whenever someone asks to "see it for a quick second--please! Please! PLEEEEASE!!!"

So I hand over my newest golden calf.... and wait. I've been through this process enough times that I know this is all I can do.

And they're so stalkerish! These onlookers watch me solve and unsolve what little I can of my cube (the white face and first layer) like I'm some kind of wounded gazelle, and then... THEY POUNCE when they can't stand to watch me drag myself through any more minutes and layers of clicking and turning and growls of frustration. Then they try to "help" me. No matter what I say to this offer for help, the next thing that happens seems not to be optional. They take it from me and say, "Lookit THIS!" And I listen as the springs inside my cube groan in protest as it is flipped and spun and moved in hands much more seasoned than mine, until it's finally handed back to me in either a semi-solved or a solved form.

"See? EASY!" they exclaim!

And with a silent and devious look in no particular direction, I snatch it up and demolish the perfection I cannot yet create on my own and begin again. Their look of horror is worth it EVERY! SINGLE! TIME! (HA HA HA HA HA!)

"I have to do it if I'm going to learn," I tell them stubbornly.

They then begin a rant about algorithms, and I refuse to listen. It goes something like this:

"Can I show you--"

"No."

"But it's so easy--"

"No."

"I swear, I'll give it right--"

"NO!"

"I'm telling you--"

"No, you're NOT!"

(I sound unbelievably ticked when this exchange is actually taking place, but deep inside the depths of my black hole of a soul, I think I'm actually laughing somewhere.)

Algorithms. (I can't even believe I can SPELL such a nasty word.)

I'm just not there yet. And with such an ugly math word to look forward to, I'm trying to brace myself for what I know is coming--the day when I can pick the stupid thing up, flip through pages of mental patterns, tear even faster than that through my cube, only to get to the scariest place I can possibly imagine.

One square out of place, and no explanation or solution for what to do about it.

Looking ahead to that time, I'm pretty sure of two things.

1. I can imagine that this is how conspiracy theorists and acute paranoia is actually born ("I can't solve it because YOOOOU messed it up! Didn't you! DIDN'T YOU!! DON'T YOU LIE TO ME!!! I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT!!!" You all can just HEAR it now, can't you? Don't laugh--it's not funny!)

2. Perhaps my sanity was never meant to be so closely tied to a techni-colored puzzle box. Deus ex machina or not, I think it's rather telling that this whole BOX thing didn't work out in so many cases. Pandora's box. The Ark of the Covenant. Joseph Smith and the gold plates. I mean, REALLY! This really should have been a lot sketchier to me than it was at the onset.

But as with most things in life that are so pointless and still manage to be SO ADDICTIVE, it's too late to go back now.